The joys of Microsoft

I work in the pc tech department. You know, the guys that go to fix computers and it just works simply because we are the ones that turned it on. It always works for the tech, right? Well, I'll have to admit that sometimes even us computer geniuses get stumped. We had a client that had a whole network up and running. All is well...right? Well, they decided to upgrade all of their systems to Windows 7. Some smart guy thinks he's going do it himself. Maybe he can do it faster? Better? Cheaper? Whatever. So he backs up all the pc's C drives....and ignores the D drive. You want to know which drive had all of their stuff on it? You got it. I know he had good intentions but it turned into a big mess and then some.

So they call us to recover the stuff they lost. We work our (very expensive) magic and get all their stuff back from all their pc's. (most of it, anyway) So now we need to connect them all back up to the network. Lucky for us the wise-guy didn't touch the server. Now I've done network jobs before and usually it's pretty easy, but this one got us. Couldn't figure it out. The computers just were not cooperating. Ya, I know, computers are only as smart as the user. Don't give me that, I heard that one before. Except, usually it's me saying it.

So we tried everything and get nowhere so my supervisor tells me to call Microsoft.....
Microsoft. (sigh)
Ok. I don't really like Microsoft or anything that says Microsoft on it but I guess I could give them a call..for a mere eighty bucks and some credit card information.

Now keep in mind that this is an internal network that absolutely cannot be connected to the internet. No exception. They have 'stuff' on these computers and can't risk the internet connection. That's all fine and good, I suppose.

You know that guy from the Simpson's Kwik-e Mart? I'm pretty sure that was the same guy I talked to on the phone. The original conversation was about 3 hours long (not kidding). So for the convenience of time I'll shorten it for you. It went something like this.



 Microsoft (from here on out will be referred as MS) guy: Hello my name is Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. What can I do for you today?
Me: I'm having problems connecting some computers to the server. I was wondering if you could help me out.
MS guy: Sure. I would like to be able to help you out with your dilemma today. What seems to be the problem?
Me: I can't get the computers to connect to the server. (I then tell him everything I've tried)
MS guy: Ok. I will ask you to hold on one second while I put this in the uh............COMpooter. Is that ok?
Me: Ya.
MS guy: Ok. Now you say that you cannot connect to the network.
Me: Yes.
Ms guy: Is that correct?
Me: Yes.
MS guy: Ok. So what is your problem today?
Me: Are you American?
Ms guy: Yes, thank you and how are you doing today?
Me: Fine.
Ms guy: I am sorry we have a problem today. And what is your problem today?
Me: Do you speak English?
Ms guy: Yes, I learn English today.
Me: Oh good. I was starting to wonder. I need to connect to the network.
MS guy: (Asks me if I've already tried some things that I told him I already tried)
Me: Yes, I've tried that.
MS guy: Ok. Let us try again. And this time restart the COMpooter.
Me: Ok. (Doesn't work)
MS guy: Ok. Hold on one moment please, I am sorry for your misfortune.
(Hold)
Thank you for your patience.
Me: It's ok. (I guess)
MS guy: So I am correct that you are saying that you cannot connect to the network?
Me: Yes. That is correct.
MS guy: I am sorry for this inconvenience. Let us try something else.

We try something else.
Something else doesn't work.

MS guy: Ok. So I am sorry for this problem that you have for you today. What can I do for to satisfy you today?
Me: Well, it would be awful nice if we could get these hooked up to the network...do you know anything abut computers?
MS guy: Yes. I look for American job and Microsoft gives me a paper that says I know all about COMpooters...and English.
Me: Can we get this working?
MS guy: Yes. Ok. I am sorry for this inconvenience for you today.
Me: So am I.
MS guy: If you get on the internet we can resolve this issue for you today.
Me: This is an internal network. It cannot get on the internet.
MS guy: Oh I see. So what you will need is an internet connection. Do you have an internet connection?
Me: No. This is an internal network. We DON'T want it connected to the internet.
MS guy: Oh I see. What you will need to do is get what you call an internet service provider.
Me: We HAVE an internet service provider, but these particular computers are not allowed on the internet.
MS guy: Oh I see. Please hold on one moment while I resolve this issue. (hold) I will transfer you to a different department. They will be able to help you out with this. Is that Ok?
Me: Yes, thank you. (sigh of relief, maybe I'll get a guy that knows something)
MS guy: (same one) Thank you for holding. I will transfer you now. Ok?
Me: Sure.
Other MS guy: Hello, how can I help you? (Oh good. This guy sounds like he might know something)
(I tell him what the problem is. What we tried. What the first MS guy said and all that neat stuff)
Other MS guy: Oh, I see your problem. You need tech support. I don't know why they transferred you here. This is the wrong department.
Me: But...
Other MS guy: Hold on a sec.
Me: Please...wait...I need...(silence)
First MS guy: Hello, my name is  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. What can I assist for you today?
Me: Oh no! Not this! How much more must I endure? (Ripping my hair out in agony)
MS guy: Hello? I know COMpooters. And English. Bill gates signed my paper that says I know stuff. He said answer the phone. If they need help to just tell them...thank you come again.

Ok, ok. So maybe the conversation didn't go EXACTLY like that, but pretty close.
The moral of the story? Avoid everything Microsoft.

So what do we appreciate today? LINUX that's what.
And don't do stupid things to a company's network. Let the pros handle it. Please!